By: Jordan Hill (Blunt Scholar, 2016)
- Mandatory Daily Church Services
It will be harder to ditch chapel if your presence is required. You may wonder, What Nazarene punishment can be employed to encourage attendance? Well, by:
- Bringing Back the Death Penalty
Starting with Dee Kelley. Then anyone who falls asleep in chapel. Then the shuttle driver anytime they’re late. Then any worship leader who says “sloppy wet kiss.”
- Reducing PLNU Parking Spots
The Nazarenes sent a clear message by firing Pastor Kelley: BRING BACK THE 1800s! And I agree. By reducing parking spots, we can build more stables since students will soon be riding horses to class (bicycles are too technologically advanced and should be banned).
- Building a Statue of Phineas Bresee
A brave hero if there ever was one. Tuition money could be taken from LGBTQ+ students and donated toward a gold replica of the school founder. Additional funding could be raised by ransoming the aforementioned LGBTQ+ students. This is a logical continuation of school policy.
- Banning Literacy
Pastor Kelley was fired for writing an essay but firing him is only a Band-Aid. The real solution is to prevent future Nazarenes from reading entirely. Sunday school could then be taught via oral storytelling, pictures and mime. In fact, shame on me for writing this and being part of the problem. Please use idea #2 on me shortly after publication.
