Expectation when you take Cosmos for a GE: learning about swirly galaxies, handsome astronauts and pretty nebulas. Reality of Cosmos: tales of horror, your imminent death and hearing things you never thought a professor would say. Who do we have to thank for this? Dr. Kendall Mallory, the Cosmos professor.
He’s as brilliant as they come, having researched fluctuating neural networks, theory of the phase transitions in neural networks, integrating relativity and quantum mechanics. Yea, I don’t know what half those words mean either. But what I can tell you is that he rocks a sick mustache and a wicked sense of humor.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present 11 things you learn in Cosmos but never wanted to know:
1. “I’ve found the amount of laughs I get from students with a joke is directly proportionate to how much that joke will get me in trouble.”
“Well yea, that makes sense… WAIT WHAT JOKES HAS HE MADE?!?!?!”
2. “We’re eventually going to be sucked into that super massive black hole.”
BRB I’M GONNA HIDE UNDER THE COVERS AND NEVER LEAVE.
3. “Two and a half million years from now, Andromeda is going to run into us and we’re going to be ripped apart.”
Never mind that it’s 2,538,000 light years away from the earth EVERYBODY SHOULD PANIC.
4. “Those mountains wouldn’t be there without earthquakes, and sometimes earthquakes crush up little children.”
A moment of silence for every time I’ve looked at mountains and thought they were beautiful and not monsters.
5. “… and we’re going to have a hurricane hit us and that’s going to be devastating…”
I can outrun a hurricane right?!?!
6. “I heard of a phenomenon that if girls live in a dormitory together all their periods will sync… I can’t relate to that.”
I’m sorry but it seems my ears fell off momentarily right when you said that. Let’s move on, shall we?
7. “The brightest star in the sky is Sirius… like Sirius Black.”
I SUDDENLY LOVE COSMOS.
8. *blows up balloon* “And eventually, our universe will end up like this.” *pops balloon*
I’M SUDDENLY SCARED OF COSMOS.
9. *pulls up picture of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen on powerpoint*
Dr. Mallory – “Does anyone know what they’re doing now?”
Student – “Drugs.”
Dr. Mallory – “Ok this one makes it as a space cadet and goes into space. The other one fails because she’s on drugs and she has to stay on earth and gets old. Mary-Kate is the one that’s ok; the other is on drugs. I don’t know.”
Joke’s on you, BOTH did drugs.
10. *Dr. Mallory’s take on America’s reaction when Pluto was declassified to a dwarf planet.* “The people were outraged! They thought, ‘This is America. We have nine planets!'”
Excuse me while I put down my copy of The Pluto Files: the Rise and Fall of America’s Favorite Planet to say, LONG LIVE PLUTO!
11. “Some are worried that the universe will flip and we will all disappear or something.”
Our universe flipping and everyone dying is definitely worse than a troll in the dungeon. #sorrynotsorryquirrell
The only thing scarier than everything mentioned above? Finals. May the curve be ever in your favor!