Opinion Sports

There’s a naked homeless man sleeping in my bed: The cons of co-ed living

I must admit that the title of this piece is misleading and irrelevant to the content. It is little more than an homage to that time a naked homeless man slept in a girl in Klassen’s bed. Now that that’s out of the way, we can discuss the true horror of the modern university: co-educational dorms.

“But why,” you ask, with adorable naivete, “What could possibly be wrong with some good old-fashioned gender-mixin’? We don’t have cooties and this is the 21st century and gosh darnit I can do what I want and live with whomever I choose! It’s not as if we’re sharing a bunk bed or a bathroom. You can’t tell me what to do! What’s your problem anyway?”

The problem with the introduction of the co-ed dorm buildings is not that it will slowly diminish the barriers between genders, or that it will lead to an influx of sexual immorality, or even that it will distract students from their academic obligations. The problem with co-ed dorm buildings is that the creation of co-ed dorms led to the destruction of Powder Puff cheer, and I’m still pissed about it.

As soon as Hendricks and Young became co-ed, the men who were once eager to dance like maniacs in neon tank tops in front of the entire student body were now too busy trying to woo the girl in Second North to cheerlead like an idiot. Camaraderie among males decreased, the desire to impress the ladies increased and the fun was punted out of the homecoming game forever.

Let’s not forget bros before hoes. Let’s not forget the time when men could stand together and build a pyramid, only to fall down and sometimes break their nose. Let’s not forget what it felt like to shimmy and sway to Party in the USA, noddin’ your head like yeah, movin’ your hips like yeah. Let’s return to the time when everyone was free to make a complete fool of their self without fear of judgment from the opposite gender. And if that means separate us again, so be it.